The problem with subs

It is quite a scary time realising you’re a submissive.  When you see a coming of age story not many of them veer in to the murky world of BDSM.  When you have that realisation that you get a kick from being controlled and pleasing another it is difficult to know where to go with it.

The internet is a god send of course.  Imagine 30 years ago your option was to front up to a fetish night, if you even knew what they were or where to find one.  Nowadays the relative anonymity of the net allows exploration in to many depths.

I myself was at this stage many moons ago, and didn’t quite know how to take the step from submissive interests to ‘being a submissive’.  A little roleplay in vanilla relationships scratched the itch but I longed for more.  I wanted to be the guy in the rubber hood tied up or the slave worshipping the at the feet.

I am naturally quite reserved so didn’t steam in to anything and instead utilised the tools available at the time.  I went on to chat rooms (which were still a thing in the late 90s) and spoke to like minded people.  I researched what I would call the intellectual side of things and tried to establish in my mind what I liked and why.  After a while I decided I was ready to move on and get involved in the scene.  I started online and joined some local online net groups dedicated to the kinkier things in life.  It was then that I encountered the problem that I still see today.  THERE ARE FRIGGING MILLIONS OF MALE SUBS OUT THERE!  Back then it was a case of trying to impress a dominant who may have expressed their need for a submissive.  Now I see submissive on twitter firing off the same “I’ll do anything you want me to, please use me as your sex slave Goddess” tweet to anyone with Miss or Mistress in their user name.  I may have been guilty of something similar way back, who knows, but looking at it now with a wiser head it strikes me as a horrific approach.

A female dominant is in the advantageous position of having many more suitors than a male submissive will ever have.  Even away from the kink world (in my humble opinion) it is easier for a female to attract a male than vice versa.  Factor in the D/s relationship and the power truly does lie with the dominant.

So how does a sub stand out from the crowd?  It is unlikely your “I’ll do anything you tell me to Mistress, let me be your sex slave” tweet or email is going to endear  you very much.  Saying that, it is probably one rung higher than an unvited dick pic (why do people do that?!).  If you are basing it online then being different is a good approach.  Be polite.  Ask sensible questions.  Engage with people.  That said, you are still swimming upstream with many other hungry fishes.

The brave step is to get involved in the local ‘scene’.  This can be daunting but everyone has been at this point at some time.  Look up a munch.  These are great ways to meet like minded people in a safe environment and build relationships.  These will often morph in to online relationships that will run alongside the real world.  Go to an event.  I know this can be shit scary and I still recoil at the thought of walking up the steps, on my own, to my first fetish event.  I sat in the corner and barely spoke to anyone but I had taken the first step.  The second time I went I had made online contacts and it was a game changer.  It was AMAZING.

Real life intervenes a lot and very few can live a 24/7 lifestyle even if they wish to.  Make your wishes a sub real.  Don’t offer to serve Madam Whiplash as her 24/7 houseboy when you are due at work at 9am on Monday.  Don’t promise to session with Mistress Hard Bitch for filming clips on Thursday when you live 150 miles away.  It can be harder admitting your real life limits than your session limits, but you’ll be better for it.

I’m writing about my early days in the scene for my book and yes, I made mistakes but they were well intended.  I am still waiting to hear about the sub who sent an uninvited message to a Dominant and got a positive result…


2 thoughts on “The problem with subs

  1. Unsolicited messages are not always bad. You are right that “I’ll do anything” is a terrible opener, because it treats me like a generic Domme, a figment of his fantasy, and not a person. If he introduces himself, makes note of my profile, and expresses his interest in a polite way that indicates that he considers me an individual first and a Domme second, then I will probably respond.

    The messages that start with, “you’re probably getting swamped with messages, but…” miss the mark somewhat as well. Yes, I get unsolicited messages, but most of them are terrible. I feel like this kind of opener is fishing for some kind of smackdown or humiliation off the bat, which is also objectifying and trying to manipulate me into doing kink, which is completely inappropriate. Some are much more blatant about this. “What would you do to me?” is fine if you are talking to a professional whom you have paid, and who has agreed to discuss that with you, but it doesn’t indicate relationship material.

    All a man really has to do is approach me like a human being, and he is already head and shoulders ahead of the pack. It’s pretty sad, actually.


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